Years ago, I wrote comprehensively on the subject of prison
food. I am grateful to report that since my discharge from the actual confines
of the prison walls, I’ve abstained from frozen mixed vegetables, and processed
meats and cheeses in nearly every form. I never did, however, go on a rant
about the worst, most deceitful item that plagued the menu, not just there, but
in institutions everywhere: the Red Delicious Apple.
Right off the bat, those are a terrific combination of words
that leave the reader thinking, Yum, that
sounds like a high-quality piece of fruit. I sure would like to eat one! Wrong!
The Red Delicious Apple is the worst. Its chalky, bland, starchy, odorless physiognomies
leave you in a state of shock, often wondering if, somewhere in a shrub, Ashton
Kutcher is about to jump out and inform you that you’ve been Punk’d. Imagine
biting into a red spray-painted piece of water-flavored Styrofoam, then don’t
change a thing, and that is the rundown of the complex flavors you can expect
from the fruit.
Historically speaking, R.D.L.s are responsible for the death
of Snow White, and literally every person on the planet, because my knowledge
of the bible isn’t that great, and I think Adam and Steve ate them and died,
and we are all made from them, er… That can’t be right. That must be some kind
of joke. But, I digress from that point, only to continue on my tirade of the
offensive apples.
To further prove my point, R.D.L.s were first recognized in
Madison County, Iowa in 1880. Iowa! Red Delicious Apples are the most produced,
and the least desirable apple in America. So why are they so enthusiastically manufactured?
Of course, they are used mostly by jails and institutions around the country to
keep the cost of confinement low. They are served up in schools, nursing homes,
and anywhere else we put our people when they need supervision. They are cheap
because they are relatively inexpensive to grow, and there is a market for them
because some people are given little choice but to eat what is offered to them,
and that’s disgusting on so many levels.
When was the last time you saw a R.D.L. outside of a
bulk-bag at a grocery store or in an institution? Never, that’s when. With so
many good looking competitors to peruse, they would sit idly on a shelf until
expiration, so they are bagged up and sold five pounds at a time, then they are
tossed in lunch bags and eventually thrown out after the chips and cookies have
been consumed. They are not even given to teachers as the symbolic gesture of
good will, they are merely used as weights to get the paper bag into the
garbage can from a distance, where they rot, and eventually turn into something
useful; dirt.
My words may come off as thick-skinned, much like the fruit
itself, but I assure you that I have much love for other apples, and other
fruits, as well, but the time has come to protest the R.D.L. at every level,
and put an end to insipid, useless, and dated produce. And while we’re at it,
fuck you Russet Potato, and turnips! Oh, and parsnips, too. Come on, man, you’re
not a carrot.
Ok, I’ve gotten that off of my chest. I’d like to hear your
thoughts on the R.D.L. including any humorous stories, or opinions.
As for me, well, I’m off for the weekend, and then I work
seven straight days at the Xcel, then I’m off to Green Bay with my mom to see
John Cleese and the Holy Grail. My interview with Amazon wasn’t so much an
interview, as a drug test and a few formalities. I’ll know more in a few weeks
when everything comes back, and I will keep you posted.
