I woke up at 7am, and was immediately irritated that it was only 20 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. The first thing I thought was that I couldn't breathe through my nose because of a standard issue cold, so grabbed a few sheets of Kleenex, and headed to the kitchen to brew some coffee. I halted before I reached in the cupboard to get the fresh beans, and put the tissue to my face. I gave a hard blow that shattered my thoughts with a vibration that seemed unnecessary. I pulled the goopy mess away from my face to see that nearly everything that came out was blood, or bloody mucus. I was about to have a nosebleed.
For those of you unaware, my body has the superpower of bleeding heavily through my nose through the dry, winter months, and this would be the first of many such ordeals that I would have to deal with. For me, they frequently last 15 or more minutes, and can recur for days or weeks before I get a break. Today was the beginning.
I was in the kitchen so I reached for where the paper towels should be. Gone. I couldn’t breathe through my nose, so when I felt a drip of warm blood trickle down to my lips, I was forced to react quickly with a desperate gasp through my mouth. The rush of air brought in a mist of blood that was immediately escorted back through the front entrance by a violent cough which I tried to project upwards as to not get any droplets on my mother’s nice white rug. A firework spray of gore erupted from my throat and the fine particles danced in the prisms of light from the chandelier in the kitchen.
Looking up, I tried to dash my way through the dining room by memory to the living room where I had a box of Kleenex on the floor. I hit the sharpest part of the table with the softest part of my hip and let out a yelp at the same time as my dog who had found his way under my feet. “Fuck!” I yelled at nothing but the situation. Keeping my head held high, I marched on, and I felt bare floor which was a great sign that I had made substantial progress toward my goal. Just then I felt a tug on my pajama pants that set off a trip-wire I had laid out for myself. The dish on top of the ottoman that serves as a table next to the couch which is my temporary bed crashed to the floor seconds before my phone. The charger cord became dislodged from the wall and wrapped around my leg like a lasso, and I was forced to look down. A stream of plasma-rich lifeblood touched both the floor and the tip of my nose at the same time, completing the circle of life.
I grabbed frantically at the absorbent tissues and put equal amounts on my face and the floor. I knew I could clean my face later, but the floor need attention now, so with one hand covering the mess accumulating around my face, I blotted the floor clean with the other. I felt some relief for the first time since I woke up 45 seconds earlier.
I then laid myself out on the couch in a way that I could tilt my head back, pinch my nose in that middle spot, and soak up any remaining blood. Essentially, my head was hanging over the armrest. My phone started chirping, indicating that I was very important, and I felt around on the floor until I could grab it, which I did. And that’s when I realized that this was just the first of many catastrophic events which would unfold in our country. That’s when I found out that somehow, people had elected Donald Trump for president. Do I blame Donald for my bloody nose? Yes. Yes I do. Thanks a lot, ‘Merica.
The preceding story is true except for some areas where I took certain liberties normally reserved for fictional writing. Basically, I lied just a little to make the story better.
