Good morning from A.M.G. Laminating world headquarters here in St. Paul. My head is a little foggy this morning due to a late night courtesy of the Chicago Cubs, who I happened to be rooting for. It was an exciting game seven that went into extra innings, and finally, after 108 years, they won the big show. Congratulations to them. Sadly, that means that today is the longest possible time until more baseball, and I really don't care for other sports.
Last week at my homegroup, I volunteered to speak in front of everybody this week on step 9. For those of you who don't know, this is the step where we make amends. I'm absolutely terrified of speaking in front of people. My anxiety flares, my throat tenses, and my blood boils. I found last night that all of the thoughts I had were gone and I rambled incoherently about what, I do not know. Of course, that's not true, but that is how I saw it at the time. I remember when I sat down afterwards, I started to be able to hear again, and everybody was clapping. That's not a big deal, We clap for everything.
I'm pretty critical of people when they speak on the steps, and it was no different for myself. Fortunately for me, I was more focused on not throwing up, and maintaining my equilibrium as I paced back and forth through the halls and rooms of the Uptown House, all of which were full beyond capacity. I did choke on a few words, but recovered. I mimicked the abilities of an octopus by turning a deep red, especially in my face, but other than that I think it went well.
Now, it's one thing to preach the teachings of the Big Book, but entirely different to actually live it. This is where I, and many of my fellows in recovery sometimes have trouble. This is a program of rigorous honesty, so I must divulge to you that I have been slacking in my recovery work as of late. Working two jobs has taken up more of my time than usual, and I haven't met with my sponsor or made an attempt at making an amend for over a month. I noticed a pattern emerging and I told my sponsor than I needed to meet with him this weekend, so, that's settled. It's easy to become complacent and to lose focus. It's easy to stop working hard on my life as it has become, and revert to old thoughts and behavior. And with that can be only one outcome: my certain inevitable slow death. This is why I write; I need to check myself every now and then. I was out enjoying my new freedom and if only for a moment lost track of why I had it.
Am I on the verge of going out to the bar and having some "fun" at the expense of society? Nah, I'm still pretty well immersed in recovery which is how I was able to take notice, but more importantly take action. I can still picture in my mind's eye the destruction I have caused, and will cause again if I give myself the opportunity to do so.
Now I digress. It's the half-way point of my day here at the laminating factory, and I am thoroughly bored. I don't get to write while I am operating a machine, but I get to think about what to write as my machine drones on. So that's what I'm doing at work today; thinking about anything other than laminating paper.
Time for lunch, gotta go.
Last week at my homegroup, I volunteered to speak in front of everybody this week on step 9. For those of you who don't know, this is the step where we make amends. I'm absolutely terrified of speaking in front of people. My anxiety flares, my throat tenses, and my blood boils. I found last night that all of the thoughts I had were gone and I rambled incoherently about what, I do not know. Of course, that's not true, but that is how I saw it at the time. I remember when I sat down afterwards, I started to be able to hear again, and everybody was clapping. That's not a big deal, We clap for everything.
I'm pretty critical of people when they speak on the steps, and it was no different for myself. Fortunately for me, I was more focused on not throwing up, and maintaining my equilibrium as I paced back and forth through the halls and rooms of the Uptown House, all of which were full beyond capacity. I did choke on a few words, but recovered. I mimicked the abilities of an octopus by turning a deep red, especially in my face, but other than that I think it went well.
Now, it's one thing to preach the teachings of the Big Book, but entirely different to actually live it. This is where I, and many of my fellows in recovery sometimes have trouble. This is a program of rigorous honesty, so I must divulge to you that I have been slacking in my recovery work as of late. Working two jobs has taken up more of my time than usual, and I haven't met with my sponsor or made an attempt at making an amend for over a month. I noticed a pattern emerging and I told my sponsor than I needed to meet with him this weekend, so, that's settled. It's easy to become complacent and to lose focus. It's easy to stop working hard on my life as it has become, and revert to old thoughts and behavior. And with that can be only one outcome: my certain inevitable slow death. This is why I write; I need to check myself every now and then. I was out enjoying my new freedom and if only for a moment lost track of why I had it.
Am I on the verge of going out to the bar and having some "fun" at the expense of society? Nah, I'm still pretty well immersed in recovery which is how I was able to take notice, but more importantly take action. I can still picture in my mind's eye the destruction I have caused, and will cause again if I give myself the opportunity to do so.
Now I digress. It's the half-way point of my day here at the laminating factory, and I am thoroughly bored. I don't get to write while I am operating a machine, but I get to think about what to write as my machine drones on. So that's what I'm doing at work today; thinking about anything other than laminating paper.
Time for lunch, gotta go.
