The Bloody Hand

In my last post I wrote that I was going out on an adventure in AA last night. This is that adventure...

It was Golden Valley as it turns out. In four months as a free man, I had not once ventured outside of meetings at the Uptown House, 8:00pm, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. The Uptown House is close enough to where I live that, even when I had to walk, I could make it there and back in time to abide by my restrictions. Last night I used a four-hour block of my free time to go to a new meeting and meet my new sponsor, and to go out for Fellowship afterwards. Four hours would not be quite enough.

I showed up on time which for me is half an hour early. I walked into the church and into a large room where it looked as if the meeting was already in process, but it was just a business meeting. It ended shortly after my arrival, and I waved my sponsor over. He said hi and then quickly shuffled away, leaving me in the middle of the room with roughly 50 people that I did not know. Instantly I missed the comfort and familiarity of Uptown House. I walked away to a different room where I found him organizing chairs and couches for what would eventually be a smaller meeting. I asked if I could help and he simply said no, and that he would be speaking later in this room. Again, he shuffled off to parts unknown.

This time, confused, I stayed put. My hope was that he would come back, but he did not. I waited five minutes before I walked back to the original room where he flagged me down to a seat next to his in the third row. He awkwardly introduced me to a pair of confused ladies that immediately walked away, and I sat down. And that is when the thing happened. A person. Hmm, well maybe more of a medical oddity. Either way, I could hear him coming from twenty feet away through the crowd, and I knew with 100% certainty that whatever strange noises were coming from behind me should surely spend the rest of the hour occurring next to me, and I was not wrong.

He plopped down next to me in such a way that his chair moves sideways away from me because his enormous thigh pushed against me in my chair. I could hear his labored breathing as it was carefully timed by his oxygen machine. And without hesitation he yelled his name at me and reached out his hand which I grabbed by instinct. Immediately I felt the warm running sensation of blood flowing over the top op my hand. Naturally, his open blisters and sores were all leaking and he was clueless. I do not like this sight of blood nor do I like blood near me, and definitely not on me. It took everything I had not to look back at his hand. I pulled away quickly and told him he should clean up his mess. The meeting was called to start.

As I stood up for a moment of silence before the Serenity Prayer as is the tradition in most meetings, I wiped my hand on my pants and shuddered in disgust. No sooner did he blow his nose into a handkerchief which he then used to mop up the blood on his hand. I couldn't help but peek. I was witnessing something that should have made me pass out but I was just fascinated. I wanted to know what his plans were for the handkerchief after the meeting.

The rest of the meeting went as they usually do, and we agreed (my sponsor and I) to meet up at Doolittle's a few miles away. I assumed this would be where we sat down and talked about what my needs from him would be and vice-versa. It turns out that there's quite a gathering after this rather large meeting and I ended up sitting at a table with 31 people that I didn't know, and that's when I felt anxiety for the first time in a while. Probably the worst I've ever had it. I had no clue what to do or say. I was lost and alone, surrounded by people that I should be able to identify with.

Am I staring? Are my legs moving back and forth too fast? What should I try to say? Should I wait for them to talk to me? Oh fuck what if they ask me questions!?? Will they think its weird if I go use the bathroom? WILL THEY NOTICE!?? Is she looking at me? Should I smile or look away? Fuck I only want to leave. But then they might ask where I'm going, oh fuck I'm screwed I have to just sit here. Did he just say something to me? Should I say what? I should look away because I don't know if he was talking to me. Oh my god I'm sweating now, can they tell? Can they hear my feet tapping? Fuck!!!

So that went on for an hour or so, I ate the chicken wings which were amazing, and I paid my bill and left. And then out in my car I thought of all the things I could have said, and those conversations got me all the way home. Am I normal? Is that an example of how people act in strange situations? Did I ever wash the blood off of my hands before I ate those wings? Yes. Yes I did.