Step nine is really where I begin to heal outwardly. Steps four and five are the start of fixing me inside. At least that's my basic understanding of it. So I've begun the forever lasting process of making amends for my past behavior, and I've moved on to step 10. This step asks me to continue to take personal inventory and when I'm in the wrong, promptly admit it.
How do I do that, you ask? It's easy, my sponsor gave me a binder with hundreds of worksheets in it. The idea is that every night I reflect upon my day and answer a few simple questions. I'm at work, so i don't have a sheet in front of me, but the questions are along these lines: Were we resentful? Were we selfish? Were we dishonest? Were we afraid? Do we owe an apology? Was i thinking of myself today, or was I thinking about others? There may be more, but that's the gist of it.
I have to be honest here, I haven't been consistent with it yet; it's not become habit. But I'm getting better, and remembering to take just a few minutes at night to look back. And it seems to be working somehow.
I've had to write some pretty harsh things down, usually about thoughts I have toward my bosses, but sometimes about selfishness and dishonesty. I did not like seeing that about me in ink, and during the day, I find myself thinking about whether what I say or do will end up on that sheet and base decisions on that. I don't know if that's how it's supposed to work, but that's the way it's working for now.
The other day, somebody referred to me as honest. Me. I had never heard those words strung together like that before, and I was taken aback. It hit me then that something seems to be changing in me, hopefully the result of these steps and my work with my sponsor, and my overall goal in life of trying my best to be a good person, even when I think nobody is looking.
Step eleven dictates that I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understand him, praying only for knowledge of his will for me, and the power to carry that out. To me that looks exactly like the opposite of selfishness. It's a preface, in my opinion, to step 12 where we start working with other addicts and alcoholics.
It seems like it's been a very long time since I started at step one. None of this has been easy, but the hardest things usually have the biggest payout. I'm almost at the end of the first round through the steps. I will never stop working them, but next time I go through them, in order, I hope for it to be with a sponsee, and I can only hope that he gives his all so that someday he can do the same.
I promise you all this weekend I'll finally finish up the Quandary. Back to work for now.
It seems like it's been a very long time since I started at step one. None of this has been easy, but the hardest things usually have the biggest payout. I'm almost at the end of the first round through the steps. I will never stop working them, but next time I go through them, in order, I hope for it to be with a sponsee, and I can only hope that he gives his all so that someday he can do the same.
I promise you all this weekend I'll finally finish up the Quandary. Back to work for now.
