Some of you are probably wondering where the rest of my
fictional story is. Well, here’s the scoop: My original plan was to include it
as the outro for the E-Book which is going to consist of the first year of the
original blog. Well that plan seems to be on hiatus for now, so I will get to
typing this weekend. I’d like to have it all written and done with so I can
continue on with the main purpose of the blog.
I’ve been working on myself through work with my sponsor in
the Big Book lately. Recently, we read through steps 7-11, which include
everybody’s favorites 8&9. The time has come for me to start making amends
for my past actions and behaviors. At the very least it appears to be an intimidating
task, but in reality, it’s actually supposed to be quite fulfilling when done
properly. As with every other step in this program, it is constantly in the
works once it is started.
What happens when I go to each individual will remain
private. For the most part, especially with family, I already know what’s
coming. I’ve spent the last 11 months getting to know my family again, and that’s
all I need to keep doing to repair things. It’s a living amend. I’m repairing
the damage done with every day of hard work in my recovery. It’s not just staying
sober, although that’s a big part. It’s continuing my work in the program, and
making forward progress. I’ve been doing all of that, now it’s time to make it
formal.
The 9th step says “We made direct amends to such
people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” I
am included in the others. What that means is that I cannot put myself or
anybody else in harm’s way in order to make my amends. There are people out
there that probably never want to see me again, people everywhere that I never want to see again, and a few
that are dead. Going to seek out somebody actively living in the meth world
would be very dangerous for me. There’s far too much risk there. If, someday,
some people enter the rooms of recovery, I can approach the subject then, but
not before. The only thing that matters in these cases is that I am willing.
There are ex-employers to whom I owe substantial amounts of
money. In some cases, they may hold resentments toward me, and going to admit
my guilt could lead them to press charges against me, which of course is not a
productive use of an amend. My sponsor says that in these cases, it is
necessary to wait until the statute of limitations runs out, until I make
contact. Even then they may want nothing to do with me, but it is important
that I try.
When I was sober from 2001-2006ish, I stopped working the
program before I ever got to this point. Even though I remained sober for years
after I stopped, I believe this is specifically why I ended up spiraling out of
control. I didn’t try to fix anything before I moved forward. This time around,
I realize how important it is to fix the past, to fix what is broken. The title
of this blog has its roots in step nine.
When my sponsor and I finished up my fifth step, he asked me
my definition of success. I was stumped. He gave me an assignment: Define
success. He gave me a few ideas of what to look for, and agreed I would write
something up. I did some research and wrote a page, front and back, and I
thought I did an okay job. A couple days later, he gave me an envelope with a
few motivational sayings. One of these really stuck out to me. I carry it with
me and will do so when I’m making my amends, because the words are beautiful.
In a sentence, Ralph Waldo Emerson describes what I want my life to be. I think
these words are so beautiful because they are so simple and true.
“To laugh often and
much; to win the respect of the intelligent people and the affection of
children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of
false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the beauty in others; to leave the
world a bit better wether (sic) by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed
social condition; to know that one life hath breathed easier because you lived
here. This is to have succeeded.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
I’ve said before that I try to be a good person, even when I
think nobody is looking. Well these are new words to live by. This next phase
of my life that began when I read through the ninth step in the Big Book will
be a test of all of these characteristics. It will be a test that never ends,
and that I cannot ever give up on. Good night.
