I'm just short of 11 months out of prison. With two months to go on ISR, I really need to be careful. Two Saturdays in a row I forgot to call in to the voicemail system on time. I did call in when I realized I hadn't, and I never heard from them about it, which is good, but I need to pay a little more attention to detail at they said in boot camp. Of course, not calling in was the catalyst to a chain of events that lead me to be stuck at home for a month a while back, and also extended my strict supervision by a month. I can't have that happen again.
Well, I could, and I probably wouldn't go back to prison, but I am really looking forward to being on parole. I can't wait to travel. I want to leave the state, or even just go down to Fountain for a weekend. I want to stay out past 10:30pm. I want to leave the house before 6:30am. I want to be able to switch jobs or move to a new apartment without going through an approval process. I want to cook with wine.
Those are just a few of the things I can't do now that I'll be able to do in two months and six days, provided I keep following the simple rules of ISR.
The temptation to break the rules doesn't seem to go away. It's as if criminality is ingrained in me and I want to do things just to be a rebel. I mean, I don't break the rules, but sometimes I really just want to stay out late with my friends from AA playing bingo and just bullshitting. But my curfew is 10:30, and there are no excuses for being late.
As much as I understand why the rules are in place, those same directives have hindered me from moving forward in life for too long. In the very beginning, it was so important for me to be at meetings and so socialize with sober people, but I was only allowed to go to three meetings per week, and never allowed to attend fellowship afterward. Two months in when I was finally allowed enough free time to socialize, I had already forgotten how. Aside from my home group, as soon as a meeting is over, I leave because I still don't know how to converse normally with people. Anxiety is still an issue it would seem.
Everything has been sort of an evolution for me. I learn from trial and error, fix things, and slowly move on. Only I just have the rest of my life to play with evolving into a fit, spiritual, kind, fun, loving, and sociable person. And it's hard learn how to be all of those things from a Lay-Z Boy recliner, which I do love. I need to get myself out of that recliner and figure out how to talk to you people in a way other than from behind this screen.
I've been going to the gym for almost two months and I've never said so much as one word to anybody I've never met before. Not one word, not even hi. So I need to branch out socially, and I hope that happens naturally when I'm not so contained.
I really miss my peeps down in Fillmore County. I'm not sure that I could ever live down there sober, because without drinking, Fillmore County would be...... uhhhhhh..... Hmmmm. I'll have to get back to you on that one. But I really miss all of the friendships in my life. Amish you guys. I'm really looking forward to seeing some of you at the wedding in just over a week. But then I have to leave, before it even gets dark out. Fuckin stupid.
Well, that's my rant for the day!
The temptation to break the rules doesn't seem to go away. It's as if criminality is ingrained in me and I want to do things just to be a rebel. I mean, I don't break the rules, but sometimes I really just want to stay out late with my friends from AA playing bingo and just bullshitting. But my curfew is 10:30, and there are no excuses for being late.
As much as I understand why the rules are in place, those same directives have hindered me from moving forward in life for too long. In the very beginning, it was so important for me to be at meetings and so socialize with sober people, but I was only allowed to go to three meetings per week, and never allowed to attend fellowship afterward. Two months in when I was finally allowed enough free time to socialize, I had already forgotten how. Aside from my home group, as soon as a meeting is over, I leave because I still don't know how to converse normally with people. Anxiety is still an issue it would seem.
Everything has been sort of an evolution for me. I learn from trial and error, fix things, and slowly move on. Only I just have the rest of my life to play with evolving into a fit, spiritual, kind, fun, loving, and sociable person. And it's hard learn how to be all of those things from a Lay-Z Boy recliner, which I do love. I need to get myself out of that recliner and figure out how to talk to you people in a way other than from behind this screen.
I've been going to the gym for almost two months and I've never said so much as one word to anybody I've never met before. Not one word, not even hi. So I need to branch out socially, and I hope that happens naturally when I'm not so contained.
I really miss my peeps down in Fillmore County. I'm not sure that I could ever live down there sober, because without drinking, Fillmore County would be...... uhhhhhh..... Hmmmm. I'll have to get back to you on that one. But I really miss all of the friendships in my life. Amish you guys. I'm really looking forward to seeing some of you at the wedding in just over a week. But then I have to leave, before it even gets dark out. Fuckin stupid.
Well, that's my rant for the day!
