Well, my only fan, really. Sometimes I’m inspired to write
in the strangest ways. Last night I purchased a $13 oscillating fan from the
king of stores, Walmart. It’s not so much the fan itself but the fact that it
came with an owner’s manual that it recommended I read before trying to
assemble the four components. Not just for assembly, however, this manual it is
recommended I should keep for precisely one year, the extent of the warranty,
at which time I have determined it would be safe probably to discard both the
fan and its directives. At this time, I’m going to walk you through the manual
so you may have a better understanding of its functions and dangers.
First, the warnings:
1. To
reduce the risk of electrical shock, do not use this fan with any solid-state
speed control devices. Sure. But
what the fuck does that mean??? Google says that it’s pretty much like a light
dimmer. Or, kind of like the switch on the fan if you ask me. But why would I
get shocked if I plugged it in to the wrong outlet that happened to be
controlled by a light dimmer? Great question.
2. If the power cord is damaged, it is strongly
recommended to request a specialist to handle. So, if the cord on a $13 fan is broken, I
should pay $100 to get it fixed? This is how I read that. I am now switching
careers from laminating expert to Walmart fan cord replaceman. I just made up
that word and Microsoft hates it.
3. This appliance has a polarized plug (one
blade is wider than the other). To
reduce the risk of electric shock, this plug is intended to fit in a polarized
outlet only one way. If the plug does not fit fully in the outlet, reverse the
plug. If it still does not fit, contact a qualified electrician. Do not attempt
to defeat this safety feature. Well
there goes my fun Saturday afternoon. Instead of trying to defeat the safety
feature of a cord on a fan, I now have to contact a Walmart fan cord
replaceman, and a qualified electrician. The bills are starting to add up. This
is an expensive fan.
4. Do not leave fan running unattended. Fuck! Now I have to pay my cousin to
watch the damn thing while I go to work. This is the worst fan I have ever
purchased. And I haven’t even gotten to the rules for safe operation yet.
Rules for Safe Operation
1. Never insert fingers, pencils, or any other
objects through the fan housing when the table fan is running. Unplug the fan
when moving it from one location to another.
The first sentence is logic, the second blew me away. I kept trying
to move the fan but it wouldn’t go any farther than three feet from the wall.
It’s as if it was somehow connected to it. And now I know.
2. To avoid overturning, be sure the fan is on
a stable surface when operating it. No shit?
3. Disconnect he(sic) fan before cleaning. Now that we’re assigning gender to a
table fan, I suppose it wants rights.
4. To reduce risk of electrical shock DO NOT use fan near a window. Does anybody remember the old S.N.L.
commercial for Happy Fun
Ball? This fan seems to come with just as many warnings.
5. Do not use fan in a window, rain may create
an electrical hazard. Was
instruction #4 not clear enough about the windows? In a window, near a window,
I get it now.
6. Ensure that the fan is switched off from the
supply mains before removing And
that is where it stops abruptly and switches over to Spanish. End scene.
