Until recently the word God really didn’t have much meaning
to me. It sort of scared me when I saw how many times the term was used
throughout the steps, and in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I couldn’t
get my head around the fact that I couldn’t do this according to the book
unless I had a relationship with God of my understanding. Now, that last
sentence made it easy for me. I could just say that Mother Nature, or a group
of people was my God, right? Well, yes. It’s true to a point, but what I came
to realize recently is that this program will never work for me if I can’t
humble myself, and admit that I’m not the greatest, most powerful thing on this
world.
It’s not about worshiping a God and fearing not getting into
heaven. It’s not about religion, so I don’t need to pick a side and start going
to church. I just need to believe in God. It’s that fucking simple! And ever
since I made the decision to stop resisting that one last piece of the puzzle,
things have started falling into place.
It all happened in a meeting a while back. Obviously I can’t
get into specifics, but somebody said something that just kept repeating in my
head. If I’m not to the point where I haven’t suffered enough to humble me to
get down on my knees and ask for help, then maybe I should go back out and feel
some more pain. I knew then that I had done enough field work to not need to
try it out again.
It didn’t happen right away, but slowly I made little steps
toward turning my will over to the care of God. I first started praying in my
head. But I wasn’t doing it right, I was asking for things for myself. Then I
started doing my fourth step, and that’s when I realized I needed to pray for
others, and knowledge in how to help others. And that’s when I noticed that I
was no longer having mean, hurtful thoughts and feelings toward others. And
that includes all of the drivers I used to think were ass holes!
I’m calmer, cooler, and more level headed than I have been
in years. I catch myself using old behaviors and I stop myself. It’s not
perfect yet, and it probably never will be, but I’m going the right direction.
I’m not trying to control the room with body language. I’m not trying to
manipulate the boss into getting something I want. I’m communicating my
thoughts, opinions, and needs, and I believe it’s a direct result of my
decision to let go of control.
I never was very good at decision making in my life. I mean,
I used to love smoking crack. Oh, man, I loved that shit. But it didn’t really
help my life out. So, instead of smoking crack, I’ve decided to believe in a
Higher Power. Can I make it any simpler than that? I highly doubt that any
decisions I make whilst praying to God will land me back in prison or out on
the streets. Again, the opposite of crack. So, the opposite of crack is God, it’s
love. Because drugs were pain. And for the first time in years, I feel love for
this life, this world, and its people, and I want to keep that going because it
feels good. Now put that in your pipe and smoke it.
