I just got back home from an impromptu trip down to
southeast Minnesota to my old stomping ground. I had no clue that when I left
yesterday, that this would be one of the most rewarding days I’ve had in years.
Briefly, the 9th step in the book of Alcoholics
Anonymous states that we make direct amends to the people we have harmed,
except when to do so would injure them or others. I’ve been working on that
step for over a year now, and it’s great to be able to say I crossed a big name
off of my list today.
About nine years ago, I was given the opportunity to work in
a café in the small town of Lanesboro, two hours south and east of the cities.
I was there at the time because I was running from the drug world and a friend of a friend had
taken me away from the world of hurt, and introduced me to the world of
day-drinking. He also got me a job at the Pedal Pusher Café, where I would
develop my drinking habit further for the next year or so.
Lanesboro is a town of 788 and in the winter, when the
tourists pack up, the restaurants slow down, and the party begins. This isn’t
true for everybody, but it certainly was for me. My drinking habit matured at
an alarming rate, and I found that pull-tabs were really fun to play while I
was drowning myself in alcohol. Very quickly, my habit became reckless, and I
had to start taking advances from the bosses at Pedal Pusher. Within months,
the advances would take away half of my check, and the cycle would continue in
a perpetual disaster and I could no longer afford to pay rent, eat, or clothe
myself. It was then that I decided to take even more advances, only this time I
didn’t tell the bosses about them. Bluntly, I began stealing from them, another
habit which became worse with time.
Now that the money was free, my obsession with pull-tabs
took over everything, and even though I was now in the green enough to pay all
of my bills, I slipped farther into the delusion, $1 at a time. Eventually,
they caught on to my bullshit, and they gave me several warnings that if I ever
took another advance, that I would be fired. Brazenly, one day I walked in
while the restaurant was open and took $40 out of the register in front of all
of the employees who must have been warned about me because when I got back to
the bar, I got a call from my boss telling me that I was fired for stealing.
My world changed after that, I no longer has a source of
income, no pride, no food, no home, and no fucking clue what I was doing. I
roamed the streets, I begged for beers at the bars, and I wore the same clothes
for two months. I was in tatters. I have written extensively on this part of my
life, so I won’t blather on.
Last night, when I went to the Lanesboro School to see my friend’s
daughter Audrey sing in a choir performance, I saw Scott and Angie, my old
bosses at Pedal Pusher. I had written them a letter about 18 months ago stating
that I wanted to talk to them to make things right, but I never heard from them
until a few months back when I checked my Message Requests of Facebook
Messenger, and saw that she had replied to that letter that way. Anyhow, I sent
her a message stating that I was still doing well, and would still love to talk
things through, and they agreed.
I never had any intention of this being the time, but the
opportunity presented itself, and I had to take it. I said I would come to the
restaurant tomorrow (today) to talk.
I’ve been walking around with this guilt and shame for eight
years. Even with all of the progress I’ve made, and the hurdles I’ve overcome,
this burden has weighed heavy on my heart for far too long. And when we are
able to get rid of the things that bog us down, when we are able to let go of
the things that have held our lives back in so many ways, God’s light starts to
shine through. And when you can see that light, you can love again, and that is
what makes this work so important to me.
So there I was. I don’t even know how I got there, but I was
in the restaurant I hadn’t seen in years. I sat at the table all of the employees
sit at, and I ordered a sandwich, and I waited. Scott was cooking, and he was
alone and it was kind of busy. I almost hoped he would say he couldn’t come
out. But then there he was. He sat down across from me. Lips quivering, hands
shaking, I spit it all out. I really went for it, sparing no detail of the
damage I had done, specifically the money I had taken, and for how long I had
been taking it. I then told him briefly of the path I was on now, and what I
had been doing with my life, and how hard I had been working in the rooms of
recovery. I felt a single tear escape the well that built up in my eyes, but I
felt relief and comfort. I felt love. I could see that he had forgiven me long
ago.
He told me that he knew that I had been stealing after some
investigating after I left. He said that it wouldn’t have done him any good to
carry that resentment around with him for eight years, so he let it go. I told
him I was willing to come up with a payment plan so I could pay everything back
that I had so freely taken, but it was for naught. All he wants me to do is
keep doing what I’m doing, and give some money to people who really need it:
what’s done is done.
There was more to it, but that’s all I’m going to share. I
feel so elated right now I could just shit. Even as happy as I’ve been for over
a year now, this is the happiest I’ve been in ages. God’s light is truly
shining down on me tonight.
