This is the first in a series of posts written by She.
It’s been over two months since we first started talking,
but 3 since I noticed you. I first saw you as you were walking down the lounge porch
with Chef. I was standing at the host stand and found it strange that I wanted
to know more about you instantly. (I hadn’t had that feeling since meeting my
“baby daddy.”)
I remember the moment that I saw you in the bar shortly
after. I recall the situation a bit differently than you… You walked in dressed
up and wanting a job. You never smiled or looked my way the few times I glanced
over at you. Dozing off from whatever work I was pretending to do while
listening to someone share with you the history of the club, I looked at you, but
never caught you looking back.
I always wondered about you and your life outside of Club. I
figured you were probably married, but no ring and if you weren’t married, you
probably had a girlfriend. I wondered if you had kids, what kind of
car you drove, where you lived, what your name was. All things anybody would want to know about someone if they were curious. And I was. Each day I
would look to see if you were working and most days you were. Something about
you, I was drawn to.
My life was a big mess. I had been struggling with a
complicated marriage and a husband that abused alcohol, was a compulsive liar,
and financially was digging us into a deep hole (that I had no knowledge of at
the time.) I threatened to leave time and time again, but felt trapped. I many nights crying myself to sleep, but held on because he blessed me with two
beautiful children. I didn’t want to rip our family apart because I was the unhappy one. I didn’t want to
put our children through that and swore that I would give everything I had
before I gave up. I struggled with accepting the fact that being an alcoholic
was a disease, when I blamed him for choosing to do it. I would ask over and
over again how he could put liquor in front of his family and all he would
answer was he didn’t know. This was
his answer to many of the questions I asked. And soon enough I just stopped
asking. My heart was scared and emotionally I checked out and lost a light
inside of me. I settled with the fact that this would be my life. A life of
fear, worry and anxiety every moment of what would happen next.
One day while in the midst of a friendly chat with a line
cook, I asked him what your name was. He replied, "Vince." That was it; I
finally knew one small, and probably the most important detail about you. Days
passed as we floated around one another. Not speaking to you, only secretly admiring
and wondering. I didn’t even think that you noticed me or if you did by chance,
you weren’t the slightest bit interested.
One day though it happened. We locked eyes for a moment, but
to me the world slowed down and stopped, just for a second. And then you handed
me a sweet potato fry and mumbled something silly to me in French.
To be continued…
