This is the fourth in a series of posts written by She that starts here, and the eighth in a series of posts, the first four of which are written by me (He) that starts here.
Finding the courage
to tell the man that I had been with for 8 years that I didn’t love him anymore
was terrifying. I knew deep down in my heart this was something that I had been
hopelessly waiting for for far too long. I had planned on telling him in person,
but it didn’t exactly play out that way. He noticed I had been acting differently
and that something was on my mind. The conversation ended up unraveling in a
Coborn's parking lot. We were on the phone with one another and he was harassing
me to tell him what was going on. I was choking on my words, but finally managed
to blurt out “I don’t love you anymore.” There was only silence on the other
end of the line, but I had never felt such relief as I did in that moment. I
had finally said it.
We began talking more and soon learned a great deal about
one another. Our coffee daytes added
up and soon meeting Wednesday mornings at the Coffee Depot was regular. I
didn’t expect to develop feelings as quickly as I did, but it happened. I even
tried multiple times to end what was going on and remain only friends, but I
couldn’t. He made me feel safe, worthy, and special. I was tired of fighting
against a tide that kept pulling me back and dragging me down. It was time to
stop fighting and see where the current would take me instead.
Surprisingly, my
husband took the news well. He told me that all he wanted was for me to be
happy and that he understood how the pain I went through affected my feelings. We
went the next few days making a plan on what our steps would be moving forward.
Who would stay in our apartment and who would move out, schedules for the
girls, separating bills, etc. It seemed to all be going smooth; little did I
know that was all about to change.
I had told my husband about he, not that I had developed feelings, but that I had a friend at
work whom I had connected with through the subject of alcoholism. I told him
about his blog and suggested that it would be beneficial for him to read as he
continued his journey through sobriety. We kept our feelings low key and
private. I had only told a few close friends. I don’t think I was ever afraid
of what people would think, but more so I didn’t want the focus of my marriage
ending to be because of another man. I had a past full of reasons and I didn’t
want to drag him into it.
Then one day, my
husband came home and I could immediately tell he was acting off. He corned me
in the kitchen and proceeded to ask me a number of questions and said that I
have 3 chances to answer them correctly. The questions were based around He and my
feelings. The conversations grew uncomfortable very quickly and I could see
another person emerging through his eyes. I found out then, that he had been
reviewing my phone records and monitoring my calls and texts. He even had
followed me an entire day when I was out and about to see who I was with.
Things were escalating to a level I hadn’t seen before and it was scary. I
started to question everything and thought that it would maybe be easier to
take it all back and stay with him.
He kept my head above water.
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the
biggest step of your life.
Tip toe if you must, but take the step.
To be continued…
