Three Months

I've thoughtt of prison for 90 days. It's been a bit rough in a few ways, and there were times when I actually thought that going back in would be better than trying and failing out here. But one thing about me is that I do not give up easily. I'm persistent possibly to the point of being overbearing. I think that's why I have my job. I wouldn't give up until he said no. I called, stopped in, and emailed him until he caved in. Well, actually somebody quit, but I was the first one on his mind for a replacement. But I digress.

Where I am now and where I thought I would be now when thinking about the future while I was in prison are very different places. In prison we tend to fantasize about unrealistic goals, mainly objects and women. I assumed I would be an accomplished writer and driving around in a new car when I got out. Well I definitely have written a lot, and I do take the bus. I thought for sure I would have a girlfriend by now and we would be falling in love and talking about the future. Well it turns out being in a relationship (I only call it that because I can't think of a term for what I had going on) takes a lot of patience and being so restricted isn't fair for the other person. Why didn't I think of that inside? Because I wouldn't have looked forward to disappointment. What's the hurry anyhow?

I thought I would have much closer relationships with my family. For the most part, my relationship with my mother has been OK, but its often fraught with tension. I may be moving out soon, and its sad to say that might be what saves it. I have been spending time with my aunt. We are getting along really well, and its so cool that she's taking care of Willie, my dog, until ii get a place where I can have him. I've seen my grandma like three times, my cousins only a handful. I shouldn't expect them to come see me after I left them all for meth and other drugs and alcohol for so long, but I can't just leave and go see them. In three more months, all will be different. I can go where I want for 16 hours a day.

I thought I would have a tougher time with cravings and not using. But rarely have them. On occasion, an old meth friend will try to friend me on Facebook. I simply click deny. I have no desire to go back to the lifestyle that took it all away. Once in a great while I have the urge to have a good beer. Well, fortunately my will is strong, AA works even when you're not in a meeting, and I know what happens when I have one beer: I have the rest of them.

I did get a checking account with Wells Fargo. That was something I thought I would have more trouble with. I got gifts for my mother for Chanukah, which I can afford to do. I pay for my own food, rent, bus fare, clothing, and anything else I need. And I even have a little put away in savings. In three months I have only gained five pounds, pretty good since I gave up on running and aerobics. I do community service nearly every Sunday at the Goodwill outlet. I pass all of my UA's and abide by all of the rules of ISR. I'm doing well.

I may not always feel like things are going well, in fact, they often aren't. I am sad and alone sometimes. People tell me I look great, but I don't feel great. There's still a lot missing in my life but if I continue to move forward, NOT GIVE UP, and remain as positive as I possibly can, I will find the things I want in life. I'm getting old, 37, but that's not too late for a lot of things that make a life complete.

So here I go. The first three months of this six month journey is complete. I just did the math, three to go. So many great things have already happened, so many more await.