Funny

I dated a girl with fake tits once. You know how I could tell? Well, I could see her dick.

That's been my favorite joke for a very long time. I was thinking about what to write while I was on the bus ride home tonight and I realized that I haven't really had much humor in my posts since I left prison. I consider myself to be hilarious although some friends and family may disagree. I have a quick wit so its not often easy for me to think of funny things that wouldn't shock or disgust people. Here's a story that I find amusing that happened recently. I'm going to tell it like it happened, so it may not be as amusing as I thought it was but I'll try to keep it interesting.

The other day at work, a pump went out on a machine. I went and told the boss and he went and grabbed a new one, handed it to me, and told me to go replace it. My knowledge of things that have moving parts is limited at best, and actually doesn't exist. But, I wanted to be the man so I took it and got a hammer and some screws and got to work. His only instructions were that I should check for suction before I get it all torn apart. I nodded my head.

Here's how I checked for suction: I took it all apart. I learned what a crescent wrench is, and I used a screwdriver all by myself. When the boss came by he asked if there was suction and I said yes. He then asked why I took it apart and I just stared at him then slowly shook my head no. He became agitated. I smiled and showed him the tools I used. I thought he would say that I had done well, but we were just getting started.

He told me that to check for suction I had to put my finger in a hole and turn the pump on. "That's what she said!" I exclaimed. Nothing. He left. I put my finger in the hole and turned on the pump. At that point I realized that nothing functions properly when there are no hoses or wires running to and fro. Frustrated, I picked up the pump and that's when all of the liquid UV coating came running out and down my arms. Fuck.

Flash forward just a bit. I hooked up the right stuff, checked for suction, which there was, and determined that there was probably an obstruction in the line, which there was. In the end, I saved the day and nobody was hurt. A week later the new pump is still sitting next to the machine because I think I will probably have to replace it after I put it back together, but so far, so good.

I work in a laminating factory. Not much exciting or funny happens. But I keep myself amused. I plan on wrapping myself in plastic one of these days and I will surely record it for your enjoyment. Nowhere on the machine does it say that it is not safe to do so.

Stay tuned.