One year ago I was sitting in prison, probably playing games with Mr. Doty and Mr. Hohertz, the two guys that made my stay tolerable. I know I was thinking about how I would be free this year, and that things would be much better. Well even though those are both true, I still feel alone and blue. I'll be cooking for myself, and sitting in the quiet, empty space that I have created with the mistakes from my past, and my decisions from the present.
I was invited to go along to a lunch with some family at a distant relatives but the thought of having to explain my whereabouts to so many Catholics made my brain freeze up. I was hoping that maybe Mollie would come hang out with me for the day but she has long-standing plans with friends she has known for years, and of course you can't fuck with free will, something I can't seem to get a grasp on.
So what am I thankful for? Well, how about a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and people that do care about me. That's a good start. Mom, we don't always see eye to eye, but you're my mom! You were the one on the outside that got me through the toughest, lonliest days in prison. And you supported me and put up with me when I got out. Oh, and you created me, and raised me by yourself. Fuck you, Garry Arthur Clark, wherever you are.
I'm thankful for Mason Doty, even though I may not always show it, or express it the way you want me to, I know you've been there for me since the day we met in that awful place. I don't have an easy time expressing my feelings with anybody, so don't think I'm just not talking to you, its everybody. You've helped me around every turn, and you made my life on the inside so much easier. $100 million, billion, a reference only two others will ever know.
Connie, I wish we could spend more time together. We will this Saturday and I can't wait. You took in my dog who I hadn't seen in years, and who didn't even remember me. You made him more reachable to me even though I haven't seen him since he made the move. You are a survivor of more than just cancer. You have survived a life that has tried to hold you down time and time again, you shine! You were such a huge part of my life growing up, and I want that again. We have many memories to make.
All of the Maertz clan and Nina. I don't know how you still love me after what I've done over and over in my life. I've drifted in and out for so many years and you show me that you care whenever I return. Bill, Maggie, Hannah, Tom, Akiko, I will do everything in my power to not let you down again. I can't predict the future, but I can shape it through action and inaction. I choose action. I look forward to reuniting as a whole on Christmas. I'm nervous, but happily excited. I love you all.
Mollie. Mollie, Mollie, Mollie. You are possibly the hardest working person I know. Not just at work, but at life. You know what you want, and you are going to succeed. You already know. I am thankful that you continue to find time to talk to me and even hang out. I don't know how you do what you do with only 24 hours in a day, but you manage and still have some semblance of a life that includes everybody you care about. Everything you have worked so hard for will come to fruition even if it takes a little longer than you want it to. You are an amazing person, and I am lucky to have you in my life.
And to my friends down in Fillmore county who still come to see me, call me when I need a call, and show me that they still care even though I traded them for meth, I miss every moment we ever had. You're a huge part of who I am and I will always have a desire to live down there again. Thank you for not giving up on me.
There is so much good in my life. Sometimes my head gets stuck on the bad because it was my life for so long. I may feel sad and alone today, but I have everything that I need, and a little of what I want. And if I'm not thankful for that, then I will never know happiness.
A final thank you to all those who take the time to read my blog. As you finish reading this, consider what you have in your life. Don't just say what you're thankful for, tell somebody why you are thankful for them. And may they do the same.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends and family! I love you.
