Hurt

     Today the woman I've been seeing made the decision to stop what we had going. Did it come out of left field? No, sadly. But it still hurt.

     It made more sense than it didn't. I am simply so restricted in my life because of some terrible choices I've made in the past. I get a total of eight hours of free time per week. Other than that, the only time we can be together is here in my mom's house, which has become awkward for all of us.

     I respect the fact that she cut it off before I became too attached. And there's always a chance things could happen later on down the road. I really do like her. I've been in so few relationships in life, it felt so good to be wanted. But I was stuck here, and couldn't give myself to her. I couldn't even sleep over at her place for another ten months from now, provided of course I didn't move in with her. But neither of us was ready for that. Well.... Ok I was.

     I need to be in a better place in life so I can go do normal things. This I.S.R. DOES NOT allow for me to do that. In four months, just short of that actually, I will be far less restricted. I will be on curfew for six months, but I'm free to do what I please from 6:30AM-10:30PM, seven days per week. I think that will be the taste of freedom I've been looking for. I feel more imprisoned now than I did in the six months at C.I.P. You may think that sounds crazy, but.... Try it. Nothing, and I mean nothing that I learned in boot camp other than in treatment and once in a while out in communities being of service, prepared me for any real-life situation or experience.

     Sure, I'm grateful for the early release I was given. You know what's really frustrating though is reading any news article about sex-offenders. I saw yesterday one about a father who drugged his teenage daughters friend, then sexually assaulted her. He got ten months in jail. Ten months.... In county jail. And he will be on probation, not ISR or parole, back in the community.

Wow I really changed gears there didn't I?! Well, its been a badday, and I feel like I've fallen down. But I will get back up. I always do. And I will keep moving forward, because that's what I have to do. I'm the fuckin' man.