Break Time

I don’t know what I was afraid of; in fact, I don’t think it was really even a fear that gave me the jitters before I went into my first day at the new job yesterday. I think more than anything, I knew that this was an opportunity of a lifetime, and I didn’t want to mess up what I could have for a substantial portion of the next foreseeable future.

The Lafayette Club is a considerable jump from the work I did at the Xcel Center, although I am grateful for the opportunity I had to hone my knife skills while I worked there. I walked in yesterday with great aplomb, and I believe I did well for a first day.

What I realized when I got there is that I am more familiar with the inner workings of a kitchen than I remembered. At the Xcel, we prepared and assembled a day apart, and all of the food I served at The Reserve was produced through a TurboChef:  a glorified microwave. At Lafayette, we cook things from scratch, to order, with quality ingredients. This has always been the formula for good food, and it is nice to be back in an environment where quality seems to be of more importance than speed or volume, although those are also prominent. Care is taken with each plate as it is assembled by a team of artists who have a knack for making things just right.

My schedule will be fairly consistent: Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, 2-11. It’s a lot of work, and it will call for overtime in excess on occasion, but that is the standard for the industry and if I can make it through the first 90 days, I will be entitled to a comprehensive benefits package that is quite uncommon in the trade.

 

That said, I probably won’t be writing again for a while: it’s time for another break. Summer is here, and I want to spend more of my time outside, especially with my dog Willie who needs to get back into shape. I’m not calling him fat, he’s just very heavy on top, and he has these tiny little table legs that need to support all of the mass he’s cultivated over the long winter. It’s been difficult for him to transition from being cooped up and curled into a ball for a season, to going for walks and playing outside. He likes it, but it’s not easy on his muscles. Poor little guy. He will get back into peak physical form in no time. He will be more like me ;-).

So, again, I’m going to take a couple or a few weeks to catch up on collecting material on which to write, and I’ll get back to you. For you new readers and followers, especially whomever has been binge-reading my blog from Russia, here is a link to start from the very beginning—almost three years ago—and read about my incredible journey from its inception.

Until then…

Nothing

This is another one of those days. I write about them all of the time: I’m at the coffee shop, and I don’t have a clue what I’m going to write about. It’s more common than not that my writer’s block is lifted by some fleeting thought that grasps my attention, and I write on about that. I will now attempt to have that thought.

I will now attempt to explain the Big Bang theory.

Approximately 13.7 billion years ago, at the presumed center of the universe, something happened. All of the matter, light, and energy that ever existed were sitting in the middle of nothing: a concept nearly impossible to comprehend. Suddenly, it exploded and at the speed of light, expanded rapidly. Roughly 100 million years in—a relatively short time in the history of things—everything was a giant messy cloud of everything, and light was trapped inside. For a yet unknown reason, the cloud dissipated, and photons were able to escape and go beyond the reaches of the already expanding universe, allowing it to inflate at an even faster rate.

Now, you might think of expansion in a different way. Like how the city of Woodbury, MN used to be small, then buildings and housing were constructed around it, making it larger overall. But this is a little different. Think of a balloon. When you blow in it, it gets bigger. In a vacuum, however, the space inside becomes larger, but things move at a different speed. That’s a concept that I don’t think I explained very well.

How about this: the galaxies and stars that are around us, moving quickly away, actually aren’t moving. The fabric of outer space itself is stretching, making more space between things.

And then there were dinosaurs.

What is on the outside of the ever-expanding universe? Here we are now with the concept of nothing. I want you to close your eyes, especially if you are driving. Remember that video you saw on YouTube? Or perhaps that experiment you performed in science class in middle-school? You know the one: you fill a glass with rocks and are asked if it’s full. It’s not, so you fill it with pebbles, then sand, then pee, or whatever liquid you might have in handy. Ok, so now picture the opposite.

You take out all of the liquid, gravel, etc. But then you go farther. You take out all of the matter, the air, every atom, and even the light. And then you remove the darkness, and the time, and thought, because all of those are things. This is what will inevitably be left of the human race, our planet, our sun, solar system, our galaxy, and all other galaxies. It will all be nothing someday.

Shit, open your eyes! Sorry. (How were you able to read all of that with your eyes closed?)  Where we sit right now, was once nothing. Whether you believe this planet was created by a God that looks like a man, or if you choose to believe in the big bang, at some point there was nothing, and that can be a little tough to understand but it is a fact.

It is theories like this that make me understand why I have to be a good person. Someday I will die, and I only have this one shot at making a memory of myself for those around me. My physical being may not be around for an eternity, but I would like to be remembered for good things, rather than bad: this is why I choose, every day, to not drink or do drugs. I choose to impart on you my history of devious behavior, so that maybe you or a loved one can avoid the same path, and I share equally with you my progress in my new life to inspire you and show you that happiness is possible in recovery.

Tomorrow I start a new chapter in my life. I start my new job, and I face all of the challenges that come with moving up in life. I am nervous. I am afraid that I won’t be able to keep up; that I won’t be as good as everybody else. But I’m going in to face those challenges anyway, because I know that I will be successful if I work hard, and show up. I am going to be something, before it is all nothing.

Remuneration

This is my last four days. I am not suggesting that I’m dying, although surely we all are. Today is Friday, and by this coming Tuesday I will be back to working more than full time.

It’s been a good run. I’ve had the opportunity to go to several Twins games. I get to go to the gym every morning. And I get to drive around to places far and near to do things that are either necessary, or desired. It’s kind of like having a seven-day weekend for a month.  I really like it.

It’s 9am, and I’m sitting at J&S Bean Factory in St. Paul. I’ve been up since 6:00, and I’m still winding down from my workout. My last two posts have been quite popular with you people, and I’m grateful for all of the comments and helpful feedback I’ve received. This puts me in a bind, though. Right now, I am at a loss for words, and perhaps the people in the coffee shop have caught me staring blankly into space, or worse, at them. My mouth isn’t hanging open when I gaze though, so they don’t appear to be frightened.

 

It was dark. The whirring of a box fan in the single window was the only separation from complete silence. I knew I had to be quiet or I would wake up the residents above the restaurant. I had entered the premises using my I.D. because I had lost my keys to everything in a drunken stupor some time ago. I was on a mission: I had to steal money out of the register without anybody seeing me on camera.

Every step seemed to echo in the long, well-lit hallway that leads to the cash register. There was a camera that covered that hallway, and the register, but so long as nobody was awake upstairs, nobody would see me. To my left, the metal equipment was still settling down from the day of service, creaking and groaning as if it was trying to tell me to just stop and go home. But I couldn’t. I needed my fix.

I rounded the corner and typed in the proper arrangement of passwords and commands, which had somehow never been changed, even after it was probably obvious to management that money was going missing. The drawer opened up with only a hollow click, and I reached my greedy hands inside.

I went in about every other night because that’s how often the cash was restocked, and I took a few bills, mostly 10’s and 5’s. I never went for more than $40 or $50 at a time, but sometimes I would have to go back twice in a night. Tonight I took $50, and I slunk out the back door, leaving my fears behind me. I went down the back alley to the rear entrance to the bar. I had left five minutes earlier, stating that I had to run home to get more money for pull tabs.

 

That’s how I stole money from Pedal Pushers Café. That is why I had to make that amend. And that is the burden I had carried with me throughout the years, and even well into sobriety. I broke into the restaurant, yes. But I also broke into their home, and I broke the trust that they had given me. When I first moved down to Lanesboro, they put me up in their trailer when things went south with my roommate, and they even helped me get an apartment in town. What I did should have been unforgivable, but it wasn’t. Really, nothing is.

Alcoholics and addicts spend most of their lives wreaking havoc on the lives of those around them. It takes time to make up for all of that, but the reward is happiness and love; this is the remuneration I have been earning for my work.

And that is how it’s done.

 

 

 

Country Club

These are what are commonly referred to as the 9^th step promises, directly quoted from Google, which took them from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

Reprinted from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous with permission of A.A. World

 

This has been my personal experience, as well as that of millions of others who have worked their way through the steps. Right at the end it states that all of the promises will come true at some point, as long as we do the work. In my last post, I related to you in great detail how challenging and rewarding some of that work can be. Today I can tell you that it was because of that along with everything else I do in recovery, I did very well in an interview today.

I am who I am because of these steps; there is no question about that. And it is with great confidence because of what I have become that I walked into the Lafayette Country Club on Lake Minnetonka today for a nearly two-hour interview, and got a job that is more of a career-move that anything else. Levy Restaurants at the Xcel Center was a resume builder, but Lafayette is a place where I will have paid vacation, benefits, a bigger salary than I have ever had anywhere, and great opportunity for advancement.

This job is no joke. I will have to bring my game to an entirely different level, and impress upon my coworkers and bosses that I am capable of producing quality food at a high rate of speed. I’m a little nervous, but I think I’m more excited to have moved up to “the country club” level.

I haven’t worked a day in about three weeks, so this will be a welcome change from the monotony of doing nothing, and receiving seasonal unemployment. It will, however, take up most of my summer with six-day workweeks. I know that seems excessive—it’s what I was doing at Levy—but it is standard for the industry and I am capable of doing it, and I will have more time off in the winter.

That’s all I’ve got for today. I’m going to enjoy this weather while I can. Bye!

 

The Light

I just got back home from an impromptu trip down to southeast Minnesota to my old stomping ground. I had no clue that when I left yesterday, that this would be one of the most rewarding days I’ve had in years.

Briefly, the 9^th step in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous states that we make direct amends to the people we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others. I’ve been working on that step for over a year now, and it’s great to be able to say I crossed a big name off of my list today.

About nine years ago, I was given the opportunity to work in a café in the small town of Lanesboro, two hours south and east of the cities. I was there at the time because I was running from the drug world and a friend of a friend had taken me away from the world of hurt, and introduced me to the world of day-drinking. He also got me a job at the Pedal Pusher Café, where I would develop my drinking habit further for the next year or so.

Lanesboro is a town of 788 and in the winter, when the tourists pack up, the restaurants slow down, and the party begins. This isn’t true for everybody, but it certainly was for me. My drinking habit matured at an alarming rate, and I found that pull-tabs were really fun to play while I was drowning myself in alcohol. Very quickly, my habit became reckless, and I had to start taking advances from the bosses at Pedal Pusher. Within months, the advances would take away half of my check, and the cycle would continue in a perpetual disaster and I could no longer afford to pay rent, eat, or clothe myself. It was then that I decided to take even more advances, only this time I didn’t tell the bosses about them. Bluntly, I began stealing from them, another habit which became worse with time.

Now that the money was free, my obsession with pull-tabs took over everything, and even though I was now in the green enough to pay all of my bills, I slipped farther into the delusion, $1 at a time. Eventually, they caught on to my bullshit, and they gave me several warnings that if I ever took another advance, that I would be fired. Brazenly, one day I walked in while the restaurant was open and took $40 out of the register in front of all of the employees who must have been warned about me because when I got back to the bar, I got a call from my boss telling me that I was fired for stealing.

 

My world changed after that, I no longer has a source of income, no pride, no food, no home, and no fucking clue what I was doing. I roamed the streets, I begged for beers at the bars, and I wore the same clothes for two months. I was in tatters. I have written extensively on this part of my life, so I won’t blather on.

Last night, when I went to the Lanesboro School to see my friend’s daughter Audrey sing in a choir performance, I saw Scott and Angie, my old bosses at Pedal Pusher. I had written them a letter about 18 months ago stating that I wanted to talk to them to make things right, but I never heard from them until a few months back when I checked my Message Requests of Facebook Messenger, and saw that she had replied to that letter that way. Anyhow, I sent her a message stating that I was still doing well, and would still love to talk things through, and they agreed.

I never had any intention of this being the time, but the opportunity presented itself, and I had to take it. I said I would come to the restaurant tomorrow (today) to talk.

 

I’ve been walking around with this guilt and shame for eight years. Even with all of the progress I’ve made, and the hurdles I’ve overcome, this burden has weighed heavy on my heart for far too long. And when we are able to get rid of the things that bog us down, when we are able to let go of the things that have held our lives back in so many ways, God’s light starts to shine through. And when you can see that light, you can love again, and that is what makes this work so important to me.

 

So there I was. I don’t even know how I got there, but I was in the restaurant I hadn’t seen in years. I sat at the table all of the employees sit at, and I ordered a sandwich, and I waited. Scott was cooking, and he was alone and it was kind of busy. I almost hoped he would say he couldn’t come out. But then there he was. He sat down across from me. Lips quivering, hands shaking, I spit it all out. I really went for it, sparing no detail of the damage I had done, specifically the money I had taken, and for how long I had been taking it. I then told him briefly of the path I was on now, and what I had been doing with my life, and how hard I had been working in the rooms of recovery. I felt a single tear escape the well that built up in my eyes, but I felt relief and comfort. I felt love. I could see that he had forgiven me long ago.

He told me that he knew that I had been stealing after some investigating after I left. He said that it wouldn’t have done him any good to carry that resentment around with him for eight years, so he let it go. I told him I was willing to come up with a payment plan so I could pay everything back that I had so freely taken, but it was for naught. All he wants me to do is keep doing what I’m doing, and give some money to people who really need it: what’s done is done.

There was more to it, but that’s all I’m going to share. I feel so elated right now I could just shit. Even as happy as I’ve been for over a year now, this is the happiest I’ve been in ages. God’s light is truly shining down on me tonight.

Walkoff

Last night I attended my sixth Twins game of the season, and my seventh game overall (see Milwaukee.) It was UofM night at Target Field, so I was surrounded by people my age, so that was great. I’ve seen a lot of cool stuff this year. I got to attend the home opener. I saw an inside-the-park homerun. I watched a position player pitch the final out of an inning. I was there when the Twins set the record for homeruns at Target Field (6). And last night, not only did I get to see a walk-off homerun by Joe Mauer, I got to see his first career walk-off homerun. I never would have guessed that it wouldn’t be until his 14^th season with us, that he would hit a homer in the final at-bat of a home game (6,006 plate appearances.)

The Twins are 3-3 now while I’ve been in attendance, but doing pretty well generally with a record of 15-12, and are now atop the Central Division standings. For the first time in a few years, I think they look pretty good. They’re hitting well, fielding well, and some of their pitchers seem to be able to throw strikes. It’s a good combination, and I really hope they can hold it together and maybe make a run at the playoffs, but I won’t hold my breath just yet; there’s a lot of baseball left.

 

I’ve been out of work for a while now. I’m entirely grateful that I have the means to whatever I want to while I’m laid-off. I had been thinking about seeking employment when I got a text out of the blue from a respected chef telling me he had a proposition for me. He said that for $1,000,000 he wanted to sleep with… No, no that didn’t happen. He said he had recently put in his notice at his current employer, and was starting the country club life (high end fancy food) and would I be interested in working for him. Yes! I’ve been poached! So I can’t give any details yet, because I don’t have them but I will know more on Monday when we talk, and I will share that with you people.

I don’t really have much more to write about. I’m keeping busy most days, but I have spent some of the rainy days catching up on all the latest trends in Netflix, and I’m okay with it. I still go to the gym nearly every day, and I take Willie out for walks roughly every other because he gets sore, but he’s slowly gaining back strength from a cold winter inside, and we will get out more often as the weather continues to impress.

I’m hosting a small BBQ tomorrow afternoon to get my cooking fix… fixed. So I’ve been prepping for a few days now making bbq sauce and pulled pork to be stuffed into the burgers that I will patty today. And I had a friend help me with making dough for buns, because I am not a baker. I did have to portion and ball them and bake them, and they look decent. I will have pictures to share in a few days when I have a chance to write again. Until then, goodbye.

Pabulum

 
Time is the oldest scarce commodity. It seems there is never enough of it, and we use it so frivolously.

Yesterday, I wrote a post about my trip to Milwaukee. As always, I’ve read it a few times, and I’ve thought of additions and amendments that I should have/would have. This time, however, I think it’s best to dive a little deeper into what I experienced during this mini retreat, because I didn’t have time to process the getaway fully when I was writing it because I had something else going on, and I was rushed. Today, I am in no hurry, and I think I can do a little better.

After my stop for breakfast in Osseo, my usual go-to radio station, The Current, had faded away. I began to scan Wisconsin’s finest radio waves came up empty, so I tried the A.M. radio. As expected, I found a plethora of Jesus-based programming, which I did listen to for some comic relief. I found myself laughing hysterically at a few lines, and promptly turned the dial to something a little more reasonable.

The road was monotonous with its own rhythm; beat after beat soothing my fervent apprehensions of my near future: what am I doing with my life? I’ve come to realize with my recent time away from work that I really do like doing nothing sometimes. I’ve been on seasonal unemployment for nearly two weeks now, and eventually I know that the financial hardship will arrive, and I will have to seek gainful employment because I do also enjoy doing things that cost money. Also I have to eat food, pay rent, and feed my dog. I’m not saying that I’m broke, or in any danger of starving, I just need to keep an eye on my finances while I’m only collecting 50% of my normal salary.

I was able to think all of those thoughts through thoroughly as I drove for four hours forwardly to my terminus. When I arrived, I was able to give myself fully to the present (now past), and take in the value of spending time with family. I think the visit would have been awkward if there had not been that familial bond that resonates within us. Communication is much easier with family members and friends vs strangers because there is an immediate desire to inform and be informed, to learn and to share knowledge. Of course, there would have been no visit to Madison at all if I didn’t have a cousin-uncle who lived there.

 

At the stadium, I was in awe of the grand spectacle before me, but I think I could have paid more attention to the people with whom I went. We met up with some more of my cousins who live in the city of Milwaukee. One I haven’t seen since Thanksgiving, and possibly never before that, and the other I may have never met, we couldn’t decide. It wasn’t awkward, but I didn’t really ask questions and communicate freely which I wish I would have.

My existence is all about progress. I keep trying, and slowly I move forward and into a life that I have found comfort in. Time, however, is the oldest scarce commodity, and I need to be mindful that it’s always running out. What does that mean? I don’t know, it just sounded deep so I wrote it. This little vacation was some much needed pabulum for my soul.