Making amends is a broad term for an alcoholic/drug addict. There is a
spectrum of situations which require our attention, and not all of them make
you feel good at the time. I have been working on my amends for over a year
now, and yesterday I took a big, if not financially crippling step toward
repairing an old debt.
About a year before I went to prison I was still desperately
hanging on to my old apartment in Fountain. I was months behind in rent, and
hadn’t paid my utility bill… ever. Needless to say, my power was shut off and I
lived like an indoor homeless man from mid-summer, to the depths of winter using flashlights
to illuminate the garbage I surrounded myself with like meth paraphernalia and…
nope, just meth paraphernalia, and the oven as a source of heat. I worked, but
not very well, and I spent most of my free time as a travelling drug dealer.
Rarely would I let anybody in my apartment because I was too lazy to pick up
the dog shit or the debris I lived in.
At one point I allowed another drug addict (or maybe three)
to move in with me under the conditions that she pay all back rent and utility
bills. Just like that, the power was restored, and my landlord was happy again.
Three days later there was a knock on my door and when I opened it up, the
landlord handed me the worthless check she had been given and stormed off. As I
was going back up the stairs, my phone rang and it was Tri-County Electric
calling to tell me that the power would be out again until a real payment was
made. Stolen checks are not allowed as a form of payment in reality,
fortunately I was not part of that or I could have been looking at forgery or fraud,
or who knows what. I kicked everybody out before the winter came. I managed to
get caught up on rent, but I never was able to get the power restored.
What little I slept under the influence of meth was underneath
several blankets on a couch in a living room about 20 feet away from the oven.
I would shiver all night, possibly from the cold, maybe from detox, and I would
wake up to my alarm after a few hours and start the process all over. Drugs,
work, drugs, sell drugs, drugs, nap. That was my life.
On my credit report is a single derogatory mark. It is a
collection account for the electric company that kept me in the dark because I
couldn’t pay. I owe them $762 and yesterday I called them and said that I
wanted to pay my debt. She sounded excited as I’m sure many people don’t go out
of their way to pay off a debt from almost four years ago. I agreed to a
payment plan over six months at roughly $120 per month, the first payment being
yesterday. I have the ability and means to pay this debt, so there is no reason
I shouldn’t.
Everything I have ever done—good and bad—makes me who I am.
I am grateful I have stories like these to look back on; to help put things in
perspective now and give me guides to progress. I am not proud of
everything I have ever done, but I am accepting of my past, and as I continue
to make amends in every form, the past becomes clearer, and there is less to
regret and now more to look forward to.
