I’ve been focusing on myself too much I think. I’ve been
writing on my involvement with the home buying process, and not taking
inventory of myself and focusing on the still suffering alcoholic and newcomer
to the program as I should be on a constant basis. This means that I am always
supposed to be on the lookout for things like selfishness, self-centeredness,
resentment, and dishonesty, among other things, and when they come up, I need
to address them and resolutely turn my thoughts toward somebody that needs my
help. I know I’ve been selfish because I’ve been irritable at the things that
normally make me happy: that’s a pretty big sign.
It’s okay to be selfish on a certain level: it gets me
through the day. Like I can take time to shower, eat, sleep, and do the things
that come naturally to humans like poop, fornicate, and breathe. But I can’t
spend all of my time thinking about and worrying about all of the paperwork,
financing, and the physical act of owning a home without spending an equal
amount of time understanding how I was even able to get to this level of
achievement.
None of this is possible without the hands-on work I do in
my 12-step program, so I’ve tried to spend a fair amount of time this week
finding more local meetings, and eventually, a meeting that I can attend
regularly in Silver Lake. I have one sponsee in the program currently, but I am
moving farther away than I already am so I will leave it in his hands how he
wants to proceed. My sponsor is fine with us meeting once a month in the
cities, and talking on the phone once per week and if anything urgent arises.
When I find my footing in my new city, I can start to build a new foundation
and network with other sober minds far away from my home group in St. Paul. I
will still get there every now and then, but not often.
I’ve been working a little bit on step-11 which is about
prayer and meditation. This isn’t new territory for me, but it’s really the
first time I’ve given it an honest try. It’s based on the fact that I already
have some understanding of a God of my choosing, which I do. Unfortunately, the
God of my choosing is the group conscience in the meetings I attend, so it’s a
little difficult to focus my prayers on something that doesn’t exist in my car
at 5:20am when I’m driving to work, but I try anyhow, and I still call it God.
I pray that I find the ability throughout the day to show love and tolerance to
everybody I encounter. I pray that I am relieved of the desire to drink or get
high for one more day. I pray for the knowledge of when to keep my mouth shut,
and I pray that I act as part of the solution, not the problem. Sometimes I get
a little more specific if there is some underlying fear or resentment, and
always I ask for the liberation from the bondage of self, as it has been so disparaging
in my past. I do all of this in about one minute, and then I turn MPR back on
for the morning news.
Lately, I’ve been forgetting to do my little prayers, and I can
tell during the day that I started without them. Maybe it’s just a subconscious
thing: maybe it helps me remember to be nice throughout the day when I say
these things in the morning. Maybe it’s all just a coincidence, but I know that
it works when I do it, so I need to keep doing it. This will make me a better
person, a better role-model, and a better friend, and none of those things are
selfish.
I have two little
girls that look up to me and those are the two most important things in my
life, and it’s easy to overlook them (because they are short) when I’m fielding
correspondence from mortgage brokers,
title companies, utilities, real estate agents, and more. It’s easy to tell
them “later” when they want to play, because I have to find an old document or
file taxes from 2016 as fast as possible because I’m a moron and didn’t want to
pay but now I did and the stressful day is over and I have all documents in and
I just want to relax but I have to cook dinner and clean up after them and
bathe them and read them stories and get them to bed and it just never ends. It
would be easy to say, “Somebody else should be doing this. Somebody else should
be paying for their lives. Somebody else should be contributing SOMETHING to
their lives other than their mom and me.” But I don’t, because as adults, we provide
what the children need.
The children have all they need. We have everything we need,
and even a little of what we want. I’m not just complacent, I’m happy. I’m
free. I want more of this life. Now that’s selfish.
