2017 was a tough year for a number of criminally, and
immorally sexually frivolous men. It was a powerful year for the uprising of
women who showed courage, strength, and an ability to fight back the men who
had oppressed them in every field, and at home for far too long. This applies
to life in general, and my life at home now with a victim of domestic assault.
It was enjoyable to watch the uprising from the outside as an adult, but it
called into question some of my sexual past.
Now, in the fourth step of A.A., we make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. And in
the fifth, we share that information with another person (my sponsor) and we
let go of all of the defects of character that made us who we were for our
lives in addiction. The fourth step includes a sex-inventory. For mine I was
told to make a list of every woman I had ever slept with, and then, separately,
write extensively on where I had been hurtful, neglectful, abusive, aroused
jealousy, etc. I did that, and I laid it all out for my sponsor, and I felt
better about things in general when the whole process was over. But it did
bring out a lot of questionable behavior of mine from my teenage years and even
some tacky events from my drinking and drugging days that all may not have been
criminal in nature, but in the position I am in now—living with and helping
take care of two female children—I wonder what could have been done differently
in my past, and what can be done now to promote a healthy future for women of
all ages.
When I was in sixth grade, I remember something called
sex-ed. We all laughed about it because some of us knew a little about sex from
watching porn from under their parent’s bed, or even then, from personal
experience. Me, I had done neither at that point in my life and I giggled when
I heard the words penis and vagina (and I still do.) I remember being showed a
video on the proper way to put on a condom, using a real erect penis, and that
was the talk of the town (of 12-year-olds) for weeks. That same video showed
the proper way to mount a woman and insert said protected penis. But looking
back I find one very peculiar oddity: nothing in any of the literature, movies,
or presentations said that the woman should be awake, coherent, or conscious.
Nothing dealt with what you should do if a woman (or a man) says no (even if
you’re in the middle of action.) Boundaries were not even vaguely defined. That’s
disturbing to me now.
I wasn’t raised with a male influence in the house, and I
don’t know if that’s a talk that men are supposed to have with their boys. But I
think boundaries are important and should be discussed at the same time as all
other sexual education. As a male influence now in a household with only women,
I think it’s significant to show the girls through example that mommy and Vince
are equals, and that we respect what we say to each other, and for now, that’s
what they need to see. I don’t know how early they start sex-ed these days, but
I think it’s never too early to teach that gender equality is vital to our
future as our culture grows to include so many variations on sexual category. More
importantly, I think it’s vital for boys to understand consent at a very early
age, before curiosity takes control and an opportunity arises where
misinformation—or lack of information completely—can cause an irreversible
incident, or worse, carve a path for lifetime abuse of every partner which can
cause a lifetime of hurt for every victim.
My lack of education on boundaries fueled decisions I made
while young, and under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Some people don’t
need an accelerant to feed the flames of sexual misconduct, but if more people
can recognize the signs of an abuser before a person becomes a victim, we all
benefit, and if future generations are given the correct information at the
proper time, instances of sexual abuse can go down.
