For one week it seemed that all of us—at least from what I
saw from the posts from my Minnesota friends—got along. We bonded over a
thrilling, impossible victory that gave each of us hope for the coming week in Pennsylvania.
But all was not sunny for the Vikings in Philadelphia, and we were once again crushed
like our hopes and dreams. So for now, we can all go back to arguing over
political views, and grow farther apart as this administration continues to
push us into chaos.
Aside from sports and politics, my life in a small town
continues to test my patience and my ability to focus on my moral code of love
and tolerance of others. I find myself praying a lot more than I used to. I’m
not asking for things or for health, I’m asking my God of my understanding for
patience, empathy, and acceptance.
I continue to be better at giving advice than following my
own, and I struggle with the fact that I cannot control how others behave or
communicate or interact with me. The only thing I can try to do to the best of
my ability is treat others the way I want to be treated, and expect nothing in
return. And when I get nothing in return, I have to accept that and move on.
Sometimes my reward is love and affection, sometimes my reward is silence or
screaming and crying.
At this moment I am in a happy place: sitting in a small
coffee shop sipping on a rather flavorful light roast, with some dreamy folk
music playing thoughtfully in the background. I’m wearing a shirt with a
picture of a coffee pot on it and it says, “Pot Head.” It has garnered a few
comments of approval. I know what my day has in store and it’s not what I want,
but it’s what I have to do.
One of the girls is home sick today. That means Amanda and I don’t have our normal one-day-off-per-week together which is
something we both look forward to regularly. Today will consist of me grocery
shopping alone, and cleaning—probably for a majority of the day. I miss living
in my old house where I had to clean up after myself, and I could spend the
rest of my day doing what I wanted.
But that is not my existence anymore, and I know that I am
putting more into life these days than I am taking away, and that is a major
accomplishment. “What I wanted,” often consisted of me bingeing Netflix for an
entire day, and eating several thousand calories over what was necessary for an
inactive adult. I let myself do it because I spent an hour at the gym, and I
assumed that burned off 3,000 calories. I was wrong. I am much more active now
on a day-to-day basis and my body is responding in a good way. Kids don’t stop.
So the point of this post I think is to say that I am still
in the process of adjusting my life to include three other lives, and that I
have to make sacrifices—possibly more than I initially thought (and especially financially)—but overall I
can tell that I am having a positive effect on life.
At this moment, the storm has arrived. The snow will be
piling up by the inches today so maybe it is a good day to stay inside and help
clean up after two little ladies. It’s literally not the worst thing I could be
doing. 17 years ago I was spending my time floating around on couches and under
bridges. I was hooked on anything I could ingest which I could only get by
stealing anything I could find. Some of the people I hung out with in that
period of my life are dead or in prison. I am free, and I am loved. I can give love; I can feel love.
That is my reward.
