Beating

I sat astounded; my eyes welled up with absolute joy, fear, love, and bewilderment. I had never seen something so perfect, so helpless, and so truly miraculous. I saw our little fetus for the first time yesterday and I will never be the same. I’m going to be a daddy-from-the-start for the first time.

We’ve known for a little over a month. For days, the counter tops were littered with pregnancy tests, some eerily crossing the line between indecipherable and maybe, but some quite clear. When she peed on a fancy one, the result was quite specific: Pregnant. Holy shit, life is going to change as we know it.

Of course, we already raise two children that I call my own. I’ve just never done this from the beginning, and I am so grateful that I have the sober mind to deal with all of this. When we went to the clinic yesterday, we were greeted by several surgeons. I only assumed this because they were wearing face masks.  I was generously let into the building, even though guests and visitors were not allowed because of the virus. This was our first OB appointment for the baby, so they gave me a wrist band stating that I was a visitor, and we checked in to get Amanda an ultrasound.

We know her doctor well; some of you have probably met her at our wedding as she and her husband hosted it, so when she walked into the room, I made several awkward jokes and comments about using the probe on me, and then she went to town. Vagina town. Not my vagina. One thing, on TV and in movies, they always rub the lube on the belly and slide the thing back and forth. Real life is different. There’s a wand with a condom on it and it really gets the job done, as it were.

• At first, all looks like a tunnel. That’s a pretty accurate description. Then it becomes clear; there’s an orb of sorts which was described as the yolk sack, and then magically, layer by layer, all is revealed. In an instant my views on life changed. To me, I wasn’t just seeing a blob or a fetus; this was my baby. Doc moved the wand here and there, and then I saw it; a heartbeat.  My baby, my life, my love; you are alive. And then s/he wiggled around like a rock star. It was dreamlike.

Sitting in that chair next to my wife and an ultrasound machine, I deliberated the next years of my life, but then I brought it back into the moment. One day at a time is a common saying in my life of recovery, and I will try to apply that to this pregnancy, and to the days, months, and years after. This is a weighty instant in my calamitous life that will surely be on my mind for a very long time. The next seven months will be a test, and a delight. We have a spare room that we are going to finish for little wo/man, and whatever else goes with getting ready for a baby. I don’t really know this stuff yet, but I have a great leader who has done this a couple times, and I will look to her for strength and guidance. My wife is strong; she has been through a lot, too. Together we make a great team and pretty good parents so far.

Six years ago I didn’t have a shot. I was withering away and rotting at life. I didn’t have the essentials, or the desire to obtain them, and I didn’t care about the trench I was digging myself. I didn’t have a five-year-goal, nor did I think about the next hour. And then it all changed. The police, the judge, the prison, the parole, the meetings, the sponsors, all of it contributed to re-shaping my existence. I had no idea that this was it; that this was the life. This is where happiness is. This. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what the world is going to look like after this pandemic, but I know that all of our children will grow up in a loving home, with everything they need.

Unless the virus shuts us down for months. Then we'll see.

To clarify a statement above, my baby is currently both a blob and a fetus. I’m not making a political or religious change based on my epiphany, nor will endorse any of the “God loves babies” billboards so heavily prevalent around my town. Every woman has the right to choose.

Now here are a few pictures from Oregon.

The first two pictures are from my aunt's back porch overlooking the Umpqua River and a mountainside.

The hummingbirds were everywhere.

One of several attempts at a good picture.

My loves.

My aunt Connie and the girls.



Maybe my favorite picture in a while. What is she thinking?