After precisely a month of waiting, the judge in Amanda’s
dissolution of marriage (divorce) case has issued her decree, judgement, and
order. We received it in the mail yesterday, and I have read it several times.
The document is 15 pages in length, and details with
precision the accounts of the day of the trial, and states the results of all of
Amanda’s dedication and hard work in preparation for said trial. I wrote in a previous
post the events of the trial at which I appeared as a witness, and Amanda
bravely faced her now ex-husband and asked for full custody of the girls, and
some money owed for a large daycare bill left in her name. The trial lasted
four hours, and afterward, Amanda was exhausted yet relieved. She made it. Now,
we had to wait up to ninety days for the judge to decide what was in the best
interest of the girls.
Like I said, it only took her 31 days, and we are absolutely
thrilled with the ruling.
First and notable, Amanda’s marriage is officially
dissolved; I am finally dating a single woman. Second and foremost, she was
granted sole-legal and physical custody of the girls. This is huge, and it
represents the best interest of the girls. In fact, it is written in great
length why the decision was made and includes all of the reasons many of us out
there already know and understand. Their father is still in the throes of
alcoholism, and until he comes to terms with that fact, he will not get to spend
any time with them. According to some posts seen on Facebook, he may think he
was going to get to have partial custody of them almost immediately, but this
will not be the case.
It will take time, dedication to recovery, and proof. He
will need to enter a treatment program, graduate it, and follow all aftercare recommendations
and show her proof of all of these, before he can start a lengthy
reintroduction plan set forth by the court. If—and I mean if—he gets to that point, it will take about four months before he
is able to have any unsupervised visits outside of public places with them, and
only as he is able to provide proof of effort in continued sobriety. After about
a year with no relapses, and assuming he is contributing to their welfare
through child support, he will be able to have joint custody, and the world
will be a better place.
I’m writing vaguely about the step-up process because I want
the respondent to have a chance to be honest with other people about this whole
course, but this is all public information, and the people that matter, including
members of his family, will all have access to this ruling, just to make sure
there isn’t any confusion.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again; my hope is
that this time he “gets it.” This time he will understand the error of his
ways, and find a program of recovery that works for him, and sticks with it. I
know hundreds of people that were just like him, and have found hope. Many of
them have rekindled their relationships with family, former lovers, and of
course, their children. All is possible with honesty, hard work, and
self-sacrifice. The moment he decides to be dishonest with himself, and
eventually to the girls, is the moment it all reverts back to supervised visits—this
time scheduled and held at his expense at the local MN Visitation Exchange
Center until further order of the court.
For right now and the foreseeable future, the girls are
where they need to be: in a loving, safe home where all of their needs are met.
Me, I’m happy and grateful to be a father to these girls and
doing all of the things he could be doing someday brings me great joy. I love
signing school documents, helping the oldest with homework, wiping the boogers
off the nose of the youngest, and going on family road trips to the children’s
museum, and family events. Summer is coming, and that means more time outside
playing in our huge yard, swimming in our local pool, and finding new things in
our community.
I know what it’s like to think that I am more important than
everything. I used to post pictures of myself at the gym, and tell people
everything in my life was great. I used to lie about trivial things, and say
whatever I could to get people to praise me.
But none of that matters. I realized that the most important thing after my
sobriety is the happiness of people around me. When I focus on doing things for
others that makes me feel good. When everybody around me is laughing and
content on a consistent basis, I thrive. When I am thriving, I have the best
shot at helping others like me find the solution to the problem I had when I
started killing myself so many years ago.
There is always a deeper bottom. There is always death.
But there is also always hope. Anybody can stop digging.
Anybody can thrive.
