Tuesday, March 12, 2019

You've Got This


Many of you know that my life took another unexpected twist a year-and-a-half ago when I started dating the woman I live with now. I wrote a series of posts a while back about how the relationship started, and have lived the life I dreamed of living with her ever since and written on it extensively. Many of you know that she is married.

Today, after a long and arduous process, the largest hurdle is over for her; the divorce trial. She filed for dissolution of marriage back in mid-October, and the chain of events after led her through a painful look back on her calamitous life, and a specific event that ultimately sealed the deal on their marriage. She had to obtain police reports, letters of recommendation, bills, collection letters, tax returns, pay stubs, and more over the five months it took to get to the trial. We had to follow a filing order and submit certain documents by certain dates. We had to fill out affidavits and disclosures, and surrender witness lists, a numbered and detailed exhibit list, and copy and send all of these things to the respondent.

I say we because I helped. I wanted to help. I wanted to help her because this is something she has wanted for years, and I wanted her to have it. We spent dozens of hours working on her case, and several hours just yesterday revising, and altering questions for the witnesses and the respondent. And we practiced my part in all of this. I was a witness, of course.

No extent of planning can prepare you for what actually happens at the trial. On the day of, tension is high because these two people at odds are finally in the same room, and bitterness, fear, and resentment fill the room like pungent smoke. This was the third time she had seen him since “that night;” the night of the domestic. On the way into the courthouse, Amanda felt the knots in her stomach, and she was sure she would throw up. I grabbed her, embraced her, and whispered in her ear the phrase I have repeated in many situations, “You’ve got this.”

Amanda came from a relationship where she was not encouraged. She was told she could never be anything; she could not do anything without him. She was castigated, humiliated, and ashamed for wanting anything more than the life she had. She was broken, and she needed to find courage. I knew that she already had it in her to be…everything—she is my everything, so I embolden her to find her voice, face her fears, and conquer he who once held her down. “You’ve got this.”

I helped her fill out some paperwork and word some questions. I showed her how to properly fill out and submit documents to the court, and I helped her with some of what I thought the court trial might look like, and we rehearsed my direct examination. But when she walked through the courtroom door, she was all by herself.

We arrived together with her mom, who would also be a witness. When the judge entered, we rose, and sat. She laid out the plan and said that the witnesses would be sequestered to the hallway until they were called. I didn’t like this because I wanted her to feel my support behind her. But I knew that we would be called relatively early in the case so I left and sat in the hallway for twenty minutes. Then, she came out to get me.

I had never been a witness to any case, although I have witnessed thousands of crimes. This was not a criminal case—I was there to expound on my past, our relationship, the support of the girls, and our lives as they are now, which I did. I spent about ten minutes answering questions from Amanda, and he was given a chance to question me, which he declined. I then got to sit down and watch the rest of the trial unfold. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

My love, I have seen you in your darkest, saddest moments. But today I witnessed you triumph over the toxic evil that once oppressed you and your will. You overcame your fears and looked him in the eyes and asked him to be honest. You asked him questions that you knew the answers to, and he knew it. He was trapped. This time it was he who looked weak. Even in his deposition he showed his continued selfishness, but you didn’t waver. You kept at him, and you got all of the responses you came for. And you didn’t throw up. Now, you know you are strong. Now, you know you have power, and you can use it whenever you want. You can have what you want from life, and I’m happy to help you get it. You don’t need my help anymore, but I will always be here to encourage you, to love you, and to reinforce your belief in yourself. You are my love. You are strong. You’ve got this.

 

Now, we don’t know the judge’s decision on the custody or parenting time, finances, or child support. She has 90 days to make a ruling, although it would likely be sooner than that. We do know that no matter what the judge decides, Amanda’s marriage will officially be dissolved when the letter arrives. That means I will no longer be dating a married woman…..for now.

 

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