Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes
to you, and give thanks constantly. And because all things contributed
to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
7-7-14 The day I went to prison.
Three years ago today (Thirteen days before this picture was taken), I was looking at a broken man in a
mirror in the bathroom at the courthouse in Rochester, Minnesota. The man
looking back at me had a black eye, a black heart, and a head full of worry.
His life as he knew it was over. He put some meth in a wadded up piece of toilet
paper, and downed it with a few gulps from the faucet, and went into the
courtroom and waited.
That was the last time I used any mind altering chemical.
The quote above strums a chord within me. It resonates
throughout me, and it’s because I have always been far more grateful for my
incarceration than resentful: it was the thing I needed to change it all
around. I’ve said it before and I will surely say it again, I don’t think I
could have stopped the madness by myself. In fact, I’ve tried it a few times by
myself, and I never could get a hold on life without the assistance of others.
I’m far from ashamed to say that. Actually, I’m much more embarrassed about
what happens when I don’t have help.
I want to take a moment here to thank all of you who, for
some reason, have chosen to follow this blog for nearly the entirety of my new
life. My statistics constantly fluctuate, but it would seem that 100 people
regularly read my posts. That certainly isn’t a number to brag about, but I am
so grateful that people are interested in what I have to say. If I didn’t have
readers, I would probably still write because it helps me cope with life in a
way that I can’t seem to mimic with human interaction, and it has gotten me
through some tough times.
And speaking of tough times, these three years—even though
they have been the most productive and fulfilling of my life—has had its share
of struggle. I started my life outside of prison living under a roof with my
mother. We found out quickly that it wasn’t a good fit, and our relationship
was put to the test. I think we are now closer than ever though, despite a
rocky start.
Living on house arrest for my first 13 months of “freedom”
was one of the most depressing periods of my life, and I often had the thought
that time would be easier on the inside. It is true—life really was easy in
there, but it was a horribly disgusting place and I am grateful I had the
willpower to do what it took to stay out here.
Going through one brief, and one moderately longer
relationship—both ending in disaster—took its toll on me as well. But I am
grateful for the experience and the fun times I had in both, and I hold no
resentment for either, as anger no longer has a place in my life.
And then the stress of changing jobs twice in six months was
a bit stressful, but it was worth it. I found that all of these changes were
more manageable with a clear mind, and a solid foundation.
So that’s a recap in a nutshell. Most of you have read
everything more extensively as I have devoted entire posts to a particular
subject, so I won’t blather. I just want to say that I am grateful for my life.
Every day I wake up I am simply happy to be alive, happy to have family and
friends, happy for the ability and means for something as simple as taking care
of my dog, and so grateful for my fellowship and home group of A.A. I could not
have done all of this without you. I am grateful for my prison term and all the
positives that resulted from it, and the friends I still have from behind bars.
I am grateful for my addiction, for without it, I would not have this
incredible story to tell. And most of all, I am grateful that I have three
years sober today.
Today
Thank you!
